We’re pretty sure we’ve found our gold medalist for 2012. No one out there is putting out the level of quality we’re seeing from the Snack Mahal crew:
The field – Standard issue guacamole with sour cream line markers. Point of differentiation is the clear use of humor in removing it from its packaging. Also, a wall of bacon around the outer rim. At either edge we’re looking at your basic 1960s style white striped end zones.
The players – Nathan’s cocktail weenies with Fritos helmets. The home team, the Mad Cows, sport your fashionable rounded yellow frito, while the visiting opponent Pollo Locos show up with their trademark mullet-shaped, blue-pinstripe variety. It’s enough to stay in the game by the beginning of the fourth quarter.
The fans – Where do we begin? Chex mix, Cheetos, Cheez-It, Goldfish, and wasabi peas at field level. Up in the cheap seats, we have Tostitos Scoops, Doritos, Triscuits, Bachman’s pretzel sticks and an assortment of dips, salsas & hummus. For the student section, a 3-layer dip with black beans fighting for air.
Cheerleaders – Popcorn/cheez curl hybrid with a little spirit and lots of acne.
Swimming pool – Because every stadium has at least one. This here pool is a combination of cheese & queso (Spanish for ‘cheese’). There may or may not be a lifeguard on duty.
Parking lot – It’s a factory town, so all the fans drive the same car: a late model Vlasic pickle with salami wheels.
The scoreboard & Jumbotron – iPhone 3GS and 4.
Stadium walls – 4 x 2 sandwich configuration; that’s two types of bread and four types of meat (salami, ham, turkey, chicken salad). Outfitted with lettuce, tomato, Hellman’s mayo, lard.
Floodlights – Polly-O string cheese held in place with enormous meat skewers.
Inner walls – Some things must be kept secret.
What’s the final verdict?
Real simple. The innovative use of second and third tier deli ingredients, paired with a wanton disregard for hygiene and general decency, pushed the Snack Mahal into consideration for top billing in this 2010 season. What puts it over the top? In an impressive show of courage under fire, the Pollo Locos managed to eat away at a nine-point fourth-quarter deficit on the shoulders of their overpaid running back Wiener Jones — final score, 53 to 48 in what will come to be known as the Clogged Bowl!
Grade: ***** (5 stars)