Contestant: Bobby Bounce & the Snackopolis!

All right folks, check your egos at the door because you’re about be humbled.  Hip hop blogger Bobby Bounce has gotten his hands on some prized snackabalia… and to understand the genius behind this creation, just say it with me: upper mezzanine.

This thing has “I was forced to quit my job” written all over it:

Where to begin.

The players – kinda hard to tell from this angle, but it appears we’re looking at a fusion of combos and garden peas, with the home team differentiated by their wearing of wigs fashioned after highway hero Erik Estrada.

The field – Might be guacamole… and frankly, I challenge anyone to come up with any other ingredient to simulate a football field.  So acting on that guac assumption, we can now comfortably say that this guac can only come El Pollo Loco or some other purveyor of finely processed mayhem.

The end zone – Only one is visible.  We’ll pause for a few seconds while Bobby fires his photographer.  OK, great.  The end zone appears to be made of either wintergreen tic tacs or extra-strength Tylenol.  In either scenario the participants have something worthwhile from which to fashion a dessert.

The cheerleaders – Can’t tell but that appears to be a jelly bean totem pole at the southwest corner of the field?  The second from the top is pretty smoking hot.

The ads – Two powerhouses duke it out behind the goal post: Ritz Bits and… Ritz Bits with holes in them.  Classic battle for market share.

The fans – Here’s where this stadium truly proves its worth as a beacon of diversity.  We’ve got representation from the chip world, the nut world, some more jelly beans, possibly a wasabi/Asian snack mix in the top right corner.  And probably a few others who remain unnamed due to poor focus.  But who could forget the upper mezzanine?  Up in the cheap seats, we’ve got a few familiar faces: Ruffles, Chex, Cheez It, and so on.  It’s no less a football game than it is a model U.N.  The very fact that Bobby found it in his heart to allow these people through the turnstile is a clear indication that things are on the right track in this country.

The goal post – OK we’ve found a weak link.  You could barely punt a pebble through that thing.  We’re having our team look into it, but for the time being this appears to be constructed from Bachmann’s Pretzel Stix dragged through the mud.

The scoreboard – Total redemption following the goal post fiasco.  This little gem is constructed from scoreboard-shaped milk chocolate.

The floodlights – Rumor has it even the prototype is outfitted with little halogen bulbs that claim credit for the home team’s vibrant sun tans.  No wonder those guys rake in the endorsements.

The balcony – In all sports, there are the good players, and then there are the greats.  The greats are often recognized as those who keep their mouths running the longest, rubbing the faces of their lowly counterparts in their obvious superiority.  By draping cold cuts across the balcony for no apparent reason, Bobby Bounce has clearly issued a middle-finger to the entire Snackadium community, and is even beckoning with that finger to bring it on!

The one concern here is the flagrant use of cardboard for a retaining wall, a practice which is currently under review by National Association of Snackadiums interim president Elgin Breyer III.

Nonetheless, this Snackadium is truly a “Snackopolis” — a place where people of all walks of life can come to enjoy an evening of watching salty gladiators stand still until someone eats them.

Grade: ***** (5 stars)